You know those dreams that leave you shaken, disturbed, angry, or scared?
I have them… frequently. Being pregnant, dreams are more lucid, more vivid, more lengthy, more disturbing. However, if you’ve read my “About Me” post, you’ll remember that silver linings are more prominent to me these days, so I take the dream to be God telling me something.
Last night, I dreamed that my Hubby and I went away for a night (crazy talk!) with some of his friends, and for whatever reason, we slept separately (not my idea of a fun night away!). I retired to my downstairs bedroom, leaving him hanging out with his friends, but not before asking him to come downstairs to say goodnight to me. He said he’d be there in a minute, but then never showed. I remember waiting, feeling unloved, alone, scared, and abandoned, as I waited for the visit that never came. I woke up before I could confront him.
Our Big Kid is a sweet soul. She likes things neat and tidy (like her Mama). She loves her routines. She loves to cuddle. She’s as obedient as an almost 5-year old can be expected to be, and is often found trying to please.
Since she was an infant, she’s had a lengthy routine to get her to go to sleep. We’d have my mom babysit her and the bedtime instructions were a whole page long! We still joke that we’d manage to get her to sleep and then go to sneak out of the room, but if our ankle cracked, we’d have to start all over. However, once she was asleep, she was asleep and slept like a champ! She just needed the love and assurance of her nightly routine.
I’m not quite sure why, after 4.5 years, I find myself upset at her needs. It’s been this way since day 1! She needs her “fresh water”, a book picked out by Mom or Dad, at least one visit out from her room after we’ve said Goodnight, her soft blanket, her Bun Bun, Bun Bun’s lovey and blanket (yes, Bun Bun is a creature of habit too), her My Little Ponies, her Princess Light on, and one of her music dolls turned on. Every.Night. So, when she tells me she is going to scoot over in her bed so I can cuddle with her, I’m already exhausted by her routine. I’m also worried that when I indulge her, it’s going to be just one more thing that gets added to the expected routine for the night.
Since getting pregnant, I am more than pooped by the end of the day that my Hubby often takes over tucking Big into bed. I tell her “I’ll come kiss you in a minute”, but I often let it not be a priority. My kid.. not a priority. Not the Mom I want to be. Not the Mom I want my kids to have. Not the Mom God has called me to be.
So, what does He do? He sends me a dream, that gives me a glimpse of what my Big might feel like. Alone in her dark room (save for the Princess Light), waiting for the person(s) she loves the most to come tell them they love her the same way.
Talk about humbling.
So, while I may be exhausted by tuck-in time, I will try my very best to give the goodnight kiss within a minute when I say “in a minute”. When I tell my kids I will do anything “in a minute”, I pray that God gives me the strength of character to do what I say.